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| Haha, you shoot a flamethrower like a girl! Boooo!! |
First of all, fuck me for writing this post where I got way too excited, albeit cautiously, about the prospects of this flick. This was a horrible idea from the start and execution was even worse.
Secondly, I've written here before about how I try really hard not to get upset about remakes/reboots, etc because it's ultimately futile and a waste of energy. Hollywood doesn't care what us nerds think or hold sacred. But, god fucking dammit, this movie bothers me. I can't help it. I just love The Thing (1982) so god damn much that I can't help but be offended by this. Here are several reasons why:
-For all the prequel hype the makers drummed up, this is more or less a remake of Carpenter's film. Every signature scene from '82 from burning the remains of the alien outside with everyone standing around it to doing a test to see who's human and who's not is recreated hastily here. Just a total lack of creativity.
-There is ZERO, I mean fucking ZERO tension or suspense. Nor is there any real sense of claustrophobia or bleakness. It has a weak-ass opening scene where some Norwegian mouthbreathers fall into a crevasse and find the alien spacecraft, they do a what I'll generously call a "homage" to the opening title shot of the '82 movie, and then we LEAVE ANTARCTICA (the FUCK?!?!) to get introduced to effin' Ramona Flowers, expert paleontologist of dead animals or some stupid shit. Fucking great guys, let's just stumble into the movie all ass-backwards and forget any sense of dread and mystery the intro to the '82 film had.
-The CG, oh sweet merciful christ, the CG. There were some hopes early on for this movie to have a strong presence of practical effects similar to Rob Bottin's legendary and still disturbing work from the '82 flick. NOPE. The first time the alien bursts out of a dude in this one, it looks like a mixture of something out of a Aphex Twin video and Resident Evil 4. Just really, really cheesy and unimpressive.
-Oh yeah, they decided to fuck with some of the logic behind the alien's abilities. In '82, the lil' bugger could not replicate any non-organic material, with clothing being a big issue. Now, in the 2011 PREQUEL to that movie, clothing is no sweat for it, but stuff like fillings and earrings, etc...now THAT'S the big red flag for everyone. Okie dokie.
-They also altered the alien's behavior. Not only is it way more aggressive in revealing itself to it's victims, but it turns out it just likes to stomp around and chase people down like it's a god damn retard tyrannosaur and not a stealthy, shapeshifting trickster.
-The last third of the moving made me want to throw a brick through the screen. Just unforgivable. We're talking chasing the alien back to the spaceship, having a budget bin version of an already budget bin Alien Vs. Predator-like throwdown on the ship, more TERRIBLE CG including the ship's super tight Windows 95 screensaver navigation system(?!?), a shitty attempt at a "dark" ending and then a lil' kicker over the end credits (which even uses the same same font/ennio morricone theme song from the '82 flick) where it slavishly links up the final events that lead to the beginning of the '82 movie yet pulls every punch possible.
If you're going to make a prequel, make a god damn prequel. Don't just steal shit from the first version and then piss all over it.
God fucking dammit, look at all that. A bunch of paragraphs filled with nerd rage. I'm so embarrassed! DON'T LOOK AT ME! *sobs*
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