The Dark Knight Rises (2012) dir. Christopher Nolan

All of the theatrical posters kinda sucked for TDKR and this is sadly the best one, I think.

Spoiler free review!

I knew going into this movie that it would be a bloated, overstuffed mess. A nearly 3 hour super hero movie, are you friggin' kidding me, dude? My expectations were high, but tempered. I was expecting plenty of flaws, but plenty of thrills. At first blush, it's actually less flawed than I was expecting. I'm sure repeated viewings will lead to more head-scratchers, but watching the whole thing unfold for the first time is just an absolute blast. A big ol' thrill ride made even more thrilling in the IMAX format.

One thing I can talk about without getting all spoiler-y is that Nolan basically just completely ignored every major criticism of "The Dark Knight." Most people felt like the third act was too bloated and hectic, tons of people can't stand Bale's glowering Batman voice and lots of people hated the wacky bat cycle wheel spinning trick. Well, Nolan pretty much said "Fuck y'all" and did all those things bigger, bolder and more in your face. The result is a glorious spectacle that I can't wait to watch again.

I mean, the third act goes so far over the top that it comes back around the other side again and you're like, "Oh, okay, I suppose that makes sense?" It's completely mental, but it's also the work of an incredible directer pulling out all the stops and bringing the ruckus like few can. This is why I can forgive many of the details that don't hold up under scrutiny. Like "The Dark Knight," this is an ambitious, risky and emotionally-charged super hero movie. "The Avengers" was good and fun, but lacked any weight or consequence. "The Dark Knight Rises" has real emotional weight and yet manages to keep a sense of humor throughout.

There is one particular criticism about how Nolan portrayed Batman throughout all three movies that holds water for me. There is major difference in how Bruce Wayne/Batman is depicted in the Nolan Batman films and how the character has been written in the comics historically. The most well known, popularized Batman comic canons have him starting off rough and clumsy in his early days as a crime fighter, but then with experience he becomes a world class crime detective and an unstoppable, ass-kicking force of nature.

With Nolan's films, we get plenty of Batman's unsteady beginnings. Even in "The Dark Knight" he's still fucking up left and right, working out the kinks in his bat gadgets and being really moody and stuff, which he has every right to be. But Nolan never makes him out to be this incredibly intelligent and skilled detective that he becomes in the comics. Comic book Batman is constantly analyzing his options and is almost always one or two steps ahead of his opponents. Nolan's Batman is a well-trained fighter and has every ounce of passion in the world for fighting evil, but he's kind of flying by the seat of his pants when it comes to everything else. He relies a lot on his gadgets and comes across as unprepared far too often.

This depiction continues in "The Dark Knight Rises." It makes sense at first because Wayne has gone into seclusion for 8 years, so when he first gets back in the suit he's a bit rusty. But then he just kind of keeps under estimating things and keeps fucking everything up. You know how Batman got completely upstaged by The Joker, and even Harvey Dent and Commissioner Gordon in my opinion, in "The Dark Knight"? Yeah, that totally happens again in TDKR. Bane, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, Gordon, old ass teary-eyed Michael Caine and even Anne Hathaway as Catwoman; all of them outshine and upstage Bale's Batman. And it's not even Bale's fault. Bale kills it yet again in every way possible. But, it's almost like Batman isn't the main character of Nolan's Batman movies because there are always so many other things going on all at the same time.

On one hand, it's a much more realistic take on a super hero like Batman, and it definitely melds well with the real world aesthetic that Nolan's version of Gotham City conveys. It's not a deal breaker for me at all, just a very different take on the Batman character when compared to over seven decades worth of comic book canon.

Anyways, go see this on IMAX as soon as you can. I was hoping this movie would be the end-all for super hero movies, and I think when you take the trilogy as a whole, it pretty much is. I think it will be a long while before there's a superior take on the super hero narrative in movies, and as always, I look forward to whatever Nolan comes up with next.

Summer Blockbuster Progress Report Numero Uno

4 words: Come. At. Me. Bro.

  Here we are, smack dab in the middle of July and 4 days away from the release date of "The Dark Knight Rises." I wanted to do a lil' posting of thoughts since I haven't updated for a while now and because HOLY SHIT DKR COMES OUT IN 4 DAYS.

So, I've been trying my damnedest to remain spoiler free for DKR, to the point where I don't even try to watch any trailers...which are fucking everywhere now. Now, I fully realize that my expectations for this movie are way, way too high. Like, I want it to come out and just fucking demolish movies as we know them. I want people to see it and just be like, "Well shit, man, that's pretty much it for super hero movies. Time to find something else to make movies about." Because man, the market flooded for super hero movies and it will continue to be flooded until they stop making boatloads of cash. All the news coming out of the San Diego Comicon this last week has been like 90% super hero movies, 5% Del Toro's wacky live action version of "Neon Genesis Evangelion" (what in the fuck, dude) and 5% new stuff from Edgar Wright and crew (WOO!).

We're already fatigued and sick of the super hero stuff, guys. Let's just let Christopher Nolan blow our brains out our assholes one last time and be done with it. Please?

Okay moving on, what else is new....oh yes, "Prometheus".............(huge sigh).

Listen, you may have noticed (you didn't) that I never wrote a review for "Prometheus." Well, it's been over a month since I saw it and I still don't really know what to make of it. I need to see it again. But not the theatrical version, although the IMAX 3D version looked absolutely sublime. No, I need to see whatever the fuck Ridley Scott took out of this movie to make it more ambiguous or shorten the run time, whatever the hell his reasons were. It felt like a whole reel was missing and lo and behold, there will apparently by 20+ extra minutes put back into the DVD release version. Wow, nice job guys.

Anyways, Ridley is batshit crazy but can still make a visually incredible movie. I basically blame everything I hated in this movie on Damon Lindelhof. Seriously, fuck you, dude. Get a real job and stop writing fan fiction.

Okay, enough ranting on that subject. What else do we got here? (looks over previous blockbusters post) Oh man! So, "Battleship" totally fucking bombed, but no one really cared because it was a movie based on fucking board game. For those of you keeping score at home, that's 2 back-to-back box office bombs for my boy Tim Riggins. He may be down, but he's not out as his third, yes THIRD, movie of the summer movie season, Oliver Stone's "Savages," has gotten decent reviews and didn't have much to lose in the first place. I think he'll be okay, folks!

Bad news for fans of THE ROCK aka me, "GI: Joe: Retaliation" is getting post-converted into 3D (bogus!) and has been pushed back to March 2013. My only solace is the fact that the 7th Fast and Furious movie is currently in production with THE ROCK bringin' the pain yet again.

I have not seen "The Amazing Spider-Man " yet, but my trusted film advisers Keith and Tyler put their stamp of approval on it. Read Tyler's review here as well as some hilarious thoughts on the 3 previous Spider-Man flicks.

"The Expendables 2: Expend Harder Y'all" doesn't come out for another month or so, and I'm still not holding my breath for anything good, but I found out VAN DAMME plays the bad guy so I guess that's cool? It's not? Whatever, dude. BLOODSPORT. Fuck yeah, dude.

"Take Shelter (2011) dir. Jeff Nichols

Hey, remember in "Twister" when Helen Hunt's dad gets sucked out of a storm shelter by a massive tornado? Yeah, nothing like happens in this movie. Sorry if I got your hopes up.

I can recall few films that convey impending doom and dread better than this one. What would you do if you started having vivid nightmares of an oncoming freakish storm with tons of tornados and motor oil raining from the sky and getting attacked by crazy people? Ignore it? Kill yourself? Build a large underground shelter in your backyard while refusing to explain yourself to anyone? The awesome Michael Shannon plays a family man named Curtis in "Take Shelter" and he chooses option C.

With a cast made up almost entirely of people who have played supporting roles in various HBO series, "Take Shelter" sets its narrow focus on Curtis's family and few friends who live in rural Ohio. It has the pacing of a slow-burn horror movie with each of Curtis's nightmares becoming more terrible and visceral than the last. It reminded me of the sort of psychological horror movies where the main character isn't sure of what's real and what's in his or her head, but it's definitely not a horror movie in most regards. It's a film about both mental illness and the possible end of the world and one man trying to discern the two. It's a thriller, I suppose, but it has its own stately grace and it's filmed very calmly. Nothing is rushed, yet it doesn't feel slow. It held my attention completely for its 2 hour run time.

There is a scene near the end where the family does end up in the storm shelter and Curtis's wife, played by the lovely and ubiquitous-in-2011 Jessica Chastain, wants him to open the shelter doors because she says the storm is over. The scene builds such an incredibly tense and paranoid vibe. My heart was beating out of my god damn chest.

The soundtrack by David Wingo is fantastic, using lots of tonal layers and sharp sounding feedback noises to build upon the film's dark, atmospheric qualities. And, in case you were wondering (and you probably weren't) the director is the brother of Ben Nichols, singer of Lucero. He contributes a nice solo song for the end credits in his own tried and true, sad bastard alt-country kinda way. It's pretty fitting.

This movie had a decent amount critical hype it seemed, but flew under the radar in general last year. It's a damn shame, because it deserves a lot more credit for being a incredibly tasteful and deeply resonating film about the end of the world, especially in comparison to most apocalyptic films of the last couple years. This is mostly due to the film's narrow focus and on the strength of the Shannon and Chastain's performances. Never a false note between them. But it's cool, let's keep giving Oscar nominations to wank-fests like "The Artist" and "Hugo."

Enough gushing, obviously I loved this movie and I highly recommend it all fans of total downer cinema.

Assorted Thoughts on Summer Blockbusters

"According to this article, I'm part of the 1%, Lucius."

"No shit, honky."

If there is one thing I love, it's big dumb blockbuster summer movies. Growing up, there was always at least one big blockbuster every year it seemed. Batman Returns, Jurassic Park, Independence Day, Men In Black and on and on. And now that The Avengers has finally come out and already made like a quadrillion spacebucks, it really feels like the summer movie season is here. John Carter, which I enjoyed quite a bit, tried to kick off the summer movie season, but it was received by most movie goers like it was some sort of happy revisionist history version of the rise of the Third Reich. So yay for The Avengers for making a shitload of money back for Disney, I guess.

Last summer, and 2011 in general, was total bullshit for movies. What a down year. Try and think back to last summer and remember any big movies you saw. Thor was fucking dumb and I feel like Captain America only seemed so much better because Thor was so stupid. Anyways, 2012 has some heavy hitters lined up and I am excited.

Here's a rundown of the flicks I'm planning on seeing:

The Avengers
Director: Joss Whedon
Release Date: 5/4/12
Sanford Stokage Meter: HUUULLLK SMAAAASH

Well, I actually just saw this the other day, I won't bore y'all with a review because there isn't really that much say about The Avengers. Simply put, it's light weight, very funny and extremely well-crafted for being a big dumb franchise super hero movie that sets out to bring together plots from 5 different movies. I mean, it's just so silly. There's a fucking flying aircraft carrier. I mean, it's awesome, but yeah. So very silly. I'm sure it's every 7-year-old boy's new favorite movie of all time. And like everyone has said, The Hulk utterly steals the show. So I definitely enjoyed it, but I don't think it will stand as my favorite big movie this summer.

Battleship
Director: Peter Berg
Release Date: 5/18/12
Sanford Stokage Meter: Irrationally high

Make no mistake, this will probably be complete garbage. There are a few things to keep in mind, though. Peter Berg is a pretty solid director and is the dude behind my beloved Friday Night Lights TV show and movie. It features a couple actors from FNL. It also features Liam Neeson and Miss Umbrella herself, Rihanna. The special effects look like a combination of the Transformers movies, Battle: Los Angeles, the Halo games and every CG mess of a movie in between. It's a movie based on a 2 player "strategy" game in which there are no characters and/or plot whatsoever. In other words, it look likes stupid, silly fun. Count me in.

Prometheus
Director: Ridley Scott
Release Date: 6/4/12
Sanford Stokage Meter: Mysteriously super duper high

So here's the summer blockbuster for all the beard-stroking intellectual types. The ones who are too cool for most mainstream Hollywood movies, but when they found out Ridley Scott made an Alien prequel of sorts, they flipped out and hopped on board the hyperbole train to hype-ville. These people probably haven't been paying attention to the last 20 years or so of Scott's movies. I mean, I understand. I'm a Blade Runner and Alien super fan, too, but the guy has made some real clunkers since his heyday in the late 70's through the 80's. So the real question is: will Prometheus suffer from The Phantom Menace syndrome of making a prequel to a movie that came out in the 70's? Will everything look far too sleek and modern when compared to the gritty, industrial nature of the original film? Too much of a stylistic disconnect? The early teasers lead me to think this was going to be the case, but once the full trailer dropped I got all super stoked. I'm still a bit skeptical that Scott can still deliver a quality sci-fi flick, but I am so ready to find out.

GI Joe: Retaliation
Director: Jon M. Chu
Release Date: 6/29/12
Sanford Stokage Meter: DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE SANFORD IS COOKING?

The Rock is in this. Have you seen The Rock lately? He's gigantic. A mountain of a man. I was never even much of wrestling fan, but I will see nearly any movie The Rock is in. He's hilarious AND terrifyingly strong-looking.

The Amazing Spider Man
Director: Marc Webb
Release Date: 7/3/12
Sanford Stokage Meter: Moderate

Why, yes! It IS way too soon to re-boot this franchise. Yes, the first 2 Spider Man movies WERE really quite good and 3rd one was really, really silly. So why are you indignant about there being another Spider Man movie? You still get upset about remakes, don't you? Hey, guess what? Life is bullshit, there is no Santa Claus and nothing is sacred in movies. Wipe that Cheeto dust out of your neckbeard and strap in for some angsty, sarcastic Spider Man action played by some British kid 10 people have heard of. Oh yeah, and Denis Leary plays a cop who's a dad, too. He is such a dad.


The Dark Knight Rises
Director: Christopher Nolan
Release Date:7/20/12
Sanford Stokage Meter: As high as a real IMAX screen

I've been preparing to write a longer post about the Christopher Nolan Batman movies. I recently re-watched Batman Begins and The Dark Knight just because it'd been a while and I have a laundry list of thoughts about them. One thing that I've realized is how much Nolan borrows from Michael Mann in his overall storytelling style. A lot of people compared The Dark Knight to Heat and with good reason. Another thing about Nolan I really like and respect is his dogged devotion to using film instead of digital for his movies, not to mention how well he uses the IMAX format. This makes him a bit of a welcome throwback, I guess, as far as style and direction goes, but I don't know, the images and scenes in his Batman movies are just so damn crisp and distinctive. They just suck me in completely and I love it.

Nolan is more or less credited with making the first real big "SERIOUS" super hero movie. When you watched The Dark Knight for the first time, you kind of forgot that it was about a dude in a cape fighting a guy in clown make up. But, I feel like The Dark Knight Rises is at risk of suffocating on this established seriousness. The previews really drive home this whole feeling of "revolution of the lower class" thing that makes me feel very wary. Like what in the fuck does that have to do with Batman? I'm really not wild about there being overt political commentary in a Batman movie, but I will give Nolan the benefit of the doubt until I see it.

The Expendables 2
Director: Simon West
Release Date: 8/17/12
Sanford Stokage Meter: Saggin' low like Arnold's jowls

The first Expendables was a giant turd. It had a few exciting moments, but oh my fucking god what a mess. When you have a cast like that and Jason Statham and Terry Crews basically steal the show, you've got quite the head scratcher on your hands. That's not a slam on either of those dudes, I mean Statham is awesome, but c'mon Sly. You can do better. You've done better many times. Rambo was fucking incredible. Dial up the practical gore effects again and make good on the promise of an old-fashioned, bad ass, borderline exploitation flick action movie. Please? I'm not gonna hold my breath, though. Just go look at Simon West's filmography on IMDB. Go ahead, I'll wait. You back? Yes, Con Air is a masterpiece, I know. Nic Cage's southern accent, yes, I remember. Amazing. But yeah, dude's track record is not what I'd call good.


There you have it. This summer is shaping up to be a lot better than last summer movie-wise, but I'm sure a couple of these will turn out to be irredeemable turds. Thanks for reading and pass the Mountain Dew.

"Cabin In The Woods" (2012) dir. Drew Goddard

whoooooooaaaaa

Okay, so I have no interest in actually reviewing this movie because if you like horror movies you should just go fucking see it. Like, right now. I can't believe I waited 2 weeks and still managed to remain mostly spoiler-free. Finally, I'd had enough radio silence and I set out to go see the movie on a Saturday at 1:20 in the afternoon, something I rarely do. Especially since it was beautiful sunny day in Seattle AND the Mariners were playing a day game. I'd normally watch that, but it was against the White Sox and who gives a shit about them? Not me.

So, I went to a dark movie theater on a sunny day and proceeded to have my dick throughly kicked in by an absolute madman of a movie. It plays on lots of classic cliches and horror movie tropes, but in a really awesome way. I'm really glad that my dawg Keith just told me to go into it with the mindset of a "Scream" movie. That's a great way to look at it. It is just a totally ridiculous, darkly hilarious blast of a movie.

During the movie, my phone was blowing up. I get out and my dad had texted me "Perfect game?" I was like, there is no god damn way that Blake Beaven is throwing a perfect game right now against the White Sox. Get right out of town. So I called him and he said, "No, it's the other guy. Phil Humber. He's a half-inning away from a perfect game.

Well, shit.

The Mariners offense has been terrible for years now and they were overdue for at least a no-hitter, but holy god damn. The 21st perfect game ever thrown. No hits, no walks, no runs. Absolute domination.

So I walked out of a supremely warped movie and into the reality that the Mariners just got perfect game'd. Pretty weird day. Sorry for the lack of an actual review, but if you're still reading this and you haven't seen it or been spoiled on it, I highly recommend this flick. Also, lol mariners.

The Raid: Redemption (2012) dir Gareth Evans

Soooo many machetes in this flick!

Around 2000 or so, I got super obsessed with all forms of Asian action cinema. I'd already seen the few Jackie Chan flicks that starting making it to US theaters from the mid-90s on and then I saw John Woo's "The Killer" and "Hard Boiled" and it was game fucking on. Didn't matter if it was martial arts, yakuzas, triads, assassins, samurais or ridiculous wire-work kung-fu. If it was made by someone from an Asian country, I was down to party. I've seen so many of these stupid movies that they've mostly all bled together in my mind as one massive action set piece with Jet Li cranekicking Chow Yun-Fat in slow motion while Jackie Chan speaks broken English and pulls some 3 Stooges shit on an unamused Andy Lau. What I'm trying to say here, friends and internet randos, is that I know my shit. Or at least I used to. I rarely watch these kinds of flicks anymore because most of them suck and I'm perfectly content with hanging on to the cream of the crop, such as the aforementioned Woo movies, "Fist of Legend," "Ong-Bak," the "Lone Wolf and Cub" series and so on and so forth.

That was a really long introduction to talk about a movie that I really don't have much to say about. It's totally buck wild, but it didn't really wow me like I had hoped. I will say it's the best Asian action movie I've seen since "Ong-Bak" and "The Protector," though.

"The Raid: Redemption" rode a critical tsunami of hype across the Pacific into American theaters (ed. note: really, dude?) and it mostly delivers on it's promise. Set in Indonesia, which is quite unique for these kinds of flicks, a SWAT team is dispatched to clean out a crime lord from his project apartment building, shit goes wrong of course, and utter mayhem ensues. I saw it with my friend Keith and we were both hoping for just a little something more overall, but you can't really argue with some of the major fight scenes in this flick. There's one towards in the end in particular that basically amounts to a final boss stage in a video game that felt like it went on for like 15 fucking minutes. Pure madness.

It's a pretty low budget affair, but oddly Welsh director Evans does throw in a few funky camera tricks and extended shots. They added the "Redemption" part of the title after the movie started getting hyped and sequels are now in the works. Hopefully they throw some big money at it and there are more cool extended shots in the sequel and other bells and whistles. I could see the next installment dwarfing the first if the budget starts getting equal with maker's ambition.

Wrath of Con: ECCC 2012 Recap

Just wanted to post an overdue recap on my awesome nerd weekend from 2 weeks ago. Here are some highlights:

Kind of a harsh vibe here, guys.

Friday aka "IT HAS BEGUUUNNN," the first of many "Mortal Kombat" references from the weekend

• Walked to the Con from work, met up with bros Keith, Joey O and Tyler (his comics blog!) at the nearby perennial grub spot Cyber Dogs. They did not have the tuna melt or chicken melt, which prompted a "No 'Stairway'?!?! Denied!" reaction from Keith and me. Compromises were made and stomachs were filled. I was ready to stomp all over that Con.
• Hit the main floor, immediately noticed the gigantic tower of t-shirts. Sentence overheard when walking by said tower, "Umm, yes, one 'This is my boomstick' shirt please."
• We split up to cover more ground, as this was Joe and Tyler's only day at the Con and Keith and I were in it for the long haul. I strolled through the writers and artists area. Found Greg Rucka and had him sign a few copies of his new Punisher book, chatted a bit. Then found "Any Empire" writer/artist Nate Powell and picked up a few of his other books, proving I'm still a bit of a sucker for those damn wimpy indie comics. (Editor's note: he means "comix")
• Reconvened with the dudes for a final sweep before the Con closed for the night. Tyler thought former Spawn/current Batman artist Greg Capullo was at his booth finally, with no line to boot! Tyler ran over to him with childlike glee, but it was only Brett from my comic shop, Arcane Comics, standing behind Capullo's booth for some unknown reason. Tyler was crestfallen.
• After the con, we decided to get dinner at Cedar's indian restaurant in the U-district. Joe was literally on a hunger strike (insert obvious Temple of the Dog joke here), so he was pretty bummed at our gluttony. 

Dat Naan!

• Joe and Tyler headed back up to Bellingham and Keith posted up on my couch for the weekend, which for the record, is his favorite couch. He probably wanted to tweet "SANFORD'S COUCH, I AM IN YOU #WINNING" but restrained himself. Many episodes of "Game of Thrones" were watched. Jon Snow 4 prez.

More after the jump...

ECCC 2012

"Hold on a second, dude. I DON'T HAVE YOUR FUCKING RING, MAN!*"

I pretty much summed up all the reasons why I love going to the Emerald City Comicon in this post last year. Well, the time has come yet again for Con-life and I am friggin' PUMPED.

Highlights this year will hopefully include, but will not be limited to:

• DC's new 52 panel
• The 20th anniversary "Batman: The Animated Series" panel with Bruce Timm and Kevin Conroy
• George Takei's panel
• Wil Wheaton's panel, of course
• Edward James Olmos' panel and hopefully some "Blade Runner" stories
• "Firefly" and "Serenity" panels for Summer Glau and Adam Baldwin (pushes up glasses)
• Resisting the urge to throw something at Robert Kirkman

Stoked to hang with my bro Keith and hopefully some other Bellingham dudes, eat some good food, maybe peep some movies and just generally be a goon all weekend. Git 'er done.

*Yeah, that's a corny BASEketball/LOTR combo joke, bro. Deal with it.

Sometimes you don't realize how badly you want something until the option is taken away.

The 2012 Seattle Mariners

The 2011 Seattle Mariners fell just short of 100 losses last year. The fact that I see this a semi-positive thing is definitive proof of the abusive relationship this team has with my heart. I don't have many rational reasons for optimism for the 2012 Mariners, but I've got a few irrational ones so that's good enough for me.

The big offseason move was trading Michael Pineda to the Yankees for catcher/DH Jesus Montero and pitcher Hector Noesi. I'm sad to see Pineda go because he is already awesome and will probably only get better if he stays healthy. Seeing his Safeco debut and a few of his other starts in person were some of my only positive memories of last season. Assuming Yankees fans and New York media don't eat him alive for no good reason, he'll be a star. Or maybe this will be like the Jay Buhner trade and there will be jokes on Seinfeld about it some day.

As I write this, we're about 12 hours away from the Mariners opening the season against the Oakland Athletics for 2 games in Japan. MLB has done this with other teams in the past, but none of those teams had Ichiro so no one cared. Now, I'm sure Japanese folks are stoked, but literally no one outside of Seattle and Oakland gives a shit about the AL West's 2 worst teams playing games that will air live at 3:10 am PST. On one hand, I understand. Come August or so, watching the Mariners play the stupid A's will seem about as appealing as a warm Bud Light. But, then again, it's Felix Day! Er, morning. Same thing. I do so love watching Felix pitch. Then we go back to a few days of meaningless spring training games before the season starts for everyone else around April 4th. MLB seems logistically-challenged to me, but whatever.

Back to the crappy Mariners. As has been the case since like 2007 or so, literally EVERYTHING will need to go right for the Mariners to even win 70+ games. The rest of the AL West would need to die in simultaneous plane crashes in order for the Mariners to finish above .500 even. I'm excited to see if Montero can do some mashing in Safeco and I'm hoping for Ichiro to bounce back now that he'll be batting in the 3 spot instead of leading off. Ackley will be get to play his first full season and I'm sure he'll do great. If Smoak can maintain the power he showed during his hot start last year, it will be a huge boost to the lineup. And maybe known ginger Mike Carp will prove he's not destined to be a lifetime minor leaguer.

As usual, I'll be there at the home opener on April 13th with my dad. Bad baseball is better than no baseball.

"The Hunger Games" (2012) dir Gary Ross

Too much bad CG, not enough Temple of the Dog

Hollywood studios, like nature, abhor a vacuum. With the Harry Potter movie series dead and buried and the Twilight series coming to an end soon, a new young adult fiction series was needed to fill the gap for all the teeny-bopper PG-13 movie-goers. Luckily for them and kinda fortunate for the rest of us, Suzanne Collins wrote a trilogy of entry-level dystopian science fiction books complete with a strong female character and not terribly obnoxious love triangle. Since "The Hunger Games" demolished the weekend box office, we can rest assured that we'll be hearing about the movie, the books and the now guaranteed sequels for the next 4 or 5 years. It could be, and has been, a lot worse.

The movie itself is just okay in my opinion because I have absurdly high standards for this particular genre. Everyone has heard by now how liberally it borrows from pretty much every sci-fi movie/book ever made, but particularly from "Battle Royale," "Death Race 2000" and "The Running Man." Not that those 3 movies were the first stories to ever feature death matches between humans for society's entertainment, but it's worth noting when a huge cultural phenomenon has obvious predecessors. "Battle Royale" is actually a pretty awful flick and anyone who gets stoked to watch it because they heard it was like "The Hunger Games" will be pretty bummed out. "Death Race 2000" and "The Running Man," however, I cannot recommend highly enough. Classic stuff.

From a nerdy visual standpoint, I pretty much hated the way "The Hunger Games" was filmed. It embraced all the horrible trends of modern film making: rapid, ADHD-riddled editing, over-the-top shaky camerawork and SyFy channel movie-of-the-week caliber CG. When you're setting the scene of District 12 as looking like an Eastern Kentucky poor coal mining town, you really, REALLY don't need to edit it like a fucking Aphex Twin music video, okay? Let me soak in the visuals instead of making HUNGER GAMES: CRANK STYLE. Not to diss the "Crank" movies, as there is a time and place for such manic style, but dystopian sci-fi is not such a place. It basically made a movie with an estimated 100 million dollar budget look unfinished at times; like you're watching a rough cut. It's one visual saving grace is that the outdoor shots were filmed in North Carolina instead of overused British Columbia like most other Lions Gate productions. So the forests look more like "Last of the Mohicans" than "Twilight." Solid choice on that.

An instant red flag for me was when I noticed in an early, very positive review that this movie was 140 minutes long. Are you friggin' kidding me? You can speed read through the first book in less time than that if you're so inclined. This isn't "The Godfather", this is a young adult fiction adaptation. And yet many folks have remarked that it felt rushed, even at nearly 2 and a half hours long. The movie, as with the book, has 3 distinct sections: District 12, The Capitol/prepping for the games and then the games. My god, did that middle part drag. Should have been 10 minutes of screen time tops. Setting up Katniss' relationships in District 12 got shortchanged badly and even the games felt kind of rushed. They especially rushed the Katniss and Rue friendship, which I felt was the emotional highpoint of the book. So, the movie suffers greatly from being too enslaved to the source material when it could have cut out a ton of smaller things and really knocked it out of the park for the big moments instead of pulling punches.

Jennifer Lawrence deserves every single bit of praise she's getting for her role. Her performance in "Winter's Bone" was clearly not a fluke. She's the real deal. Due to the rapid pacing and editing, she had to do a lot of subtle quick non-verbal reaction shots and just kind of generally emote in order to make a lot of scenes work and for the most part she succeeds. In fact, the movie basically lives or dies by her performance in my opinion. Had they chosen a less experienced or talented lead, disaster may have ensued. But J-Law killed it and thus saved/created a successful franchise, so I guess blame her for kicking ass if y'all hate it.

"John Carter" (2012) dir. Andrew Stanton

Originally titled "Shawn Carter" but Jay-Z bailed at the last minute. Hov!

 When you saw the trailers for "John Carter," you may have thought, "Wow, that looks pretty similar to 'Avatar' and a million other other sci-fi flicks." Then some bespectacled neck beard in a Battlestar Galactica t-shirt jumped out of a bush and said something like, "Mmmm, yes, well you see the 1917 pulp novel "A Princess of Mars" by Edgar Rice Burroughs is pretty much what inspired everything from 'Flash Gordon' to 'Star Wars' to 'Avatar' so, yeaaaah," while pushing up his glasses and farting. Hopefully, you punched said nerd and continued on your merry way to see "John Carter."

The other narrative surrounding this movie is how badly media critics bashed it before it was even being screened. It cost a kajillion dollars. Mars is stupid. Those aliens look ridiculous, etc etc. It reminded me a lot of how everyone flipped out about how much over budget "Waterworld" was way before it came out and how terrible it was going to be. You know what? "Waterworld" is fucking awesome. My dad took me to see it when it came out. I must have been about 11 and was eager to see what all the fuss was about. Well, it delivered big time and I was way into it. In all seriousness, if you never saw "Waterworld" as a kid or you haven't seen it in a long time, watch it again. They don't make movies like that anymore. A totally go-for-broke, post-apocalyptic survival story almost completely shot on the ocean. That is ballsy, man.

This nerd wrote a spot-on rant defending "John Carter" for similar reasons:
"JOHN CARTER is not a debacle; it's an earnest attempt to evoke wonder, and it largely succeeds despite its narrative missteps. Maybe you don't agree. That's fine. But choose your fucking battles, people. Having it out for a film like JOHN CARTER hurts the art form; it makes it harder for our best directors to follow through on their dreams. For a long time, BLADE RUNNER was considered a horrendous flop; now, it's one of the most influential films of my lifetime. No one at Fox was proud of THE ABYSS, but I'm pretty sure at some point it'll be considered Cameron's masterpiece. In any event, register your disappointment and move on, and save your vitriol for the films that deserve it."

Yeah! What he said! Anyways, I was excited to see "John Carter" because A) I love my sci-fi action movies B) it's directed by the same guy who made "Wall-E" and C) it stars my boy Taylor Kitsch aka Tim Riggins from the Best TV Show Ever (Trademark) "Friday Night Lights whose charm can only be described with one word: laconic. Even still, my expectations were not especially high, probably due to all the mediocre reviews. Because of this, "John Carter" surprised the hell out of me by being pretty damn exceptional.


I was impressed by how the movie does not insult its audience's collective intelligence. It chucks you into the deep end with no water wings. I really dig that. Things get explained gradually over the course of the 2 hour running time instead of it all being spelled out for you up front as to who all these different groups of Mars folk are and why they're fighting and how our hunky, I mean, uh, heroic protagonist gets tossed into the middle of all of it and why he can jump really, really far and no one else can.

Visually, "John Carter" is stunning. Andrew Stanton made the very wise (and expensive, I suppose) choice to shoot tons of real locations for the movie and blend it with tasteful CG instead of making one giant green screen turd of a movie like most people do these days. It pays off big time because this Mars landscape actually feels like a real, dusty and generally unpleasant place. The set design is also similarly lush and impressive. The 2 warring humonoid groups on the planet have a sort of ancient Rome meets steampunk (lol) look to their clothing and machinery, which I know sounds really silly, but it looks cool. The level of detail on their airships, which fly on light (duh), is insane. And the four-armed alien race that befriend our boy JC actually look really well rendered and reasonably lifelike. It all makes for an overall immersive moving going experience and it's nice to see that all that money at least went to something that turned out very high quality.

There's one scene in particular that really sold me on the movie, but I feel like it will only register with people who regrettably devoted way too much time to watching "Lost" and appreciated the scores of "Star Trek" (2009), "Up" and "Super 8." I'm talking about the modern king of sappy, emotive scores: Michael Giacchino. Without giving too much away, our boy JC decides to stay behind and take on a horde of dickhead aliens himself in order to let his crew escape and the score suddenly gets SUPER Giacchino-y ("Lost" 4th season spoiler warning, also may cause weeping) and there are flashbacks that fill out his backstory a bit and finally give the movie some depth. I, of course, ate this right up. Loved it.


It's unfortunate that everyone decided to hate on this movie because it's actually quite good, even to someone who has pretty high standards for action blockbusters. It's also surprisingly "hard sci-fi" for a Disney film, which I guess perhaps contributes to the backlash. Anyways, I'll always defend the hell out of "Waterworld" and I'll probably do the same for "John Carter."

Sanford's Austin Travelogues

I’ve been back for a few weeks now but I’ve been meaning to write about the whole experience for my own personal reference. What follows are some edited thoughts I posted on the VLV board (from which I got tons of great recommendations) while I was there, along with newer reflections and whatnot.  This is to serve as a reminder that life can still be awesome at times and to hold on to those joyful times in my memory.

Austin, Feb. 16 - 21

Cassie and I got in on a Thursday right around dusk, which was appropriately Malick-esque. We rented a car, checked into our chilled out hotel and proceeded to Live Oak BBQ because we were starving. Place was empty and had all the charm of a bomb shelter, but the brisket was pretty good. Sometimes it's okay to set the bar low. Then we wanted to check out the 6th St. area, which is the big “night life” area of downtown Austin and where SXSW just takes over the city. We started on East 6th St. which is basically like Bartertown for punks and hippies. Enough food trucks and dive bars in one condensed area to make Portland green with envy. Unreal. Had some really good tacos with some salsa that made me sweat buckets and Cassie laughed at me.

Then we proceeded to check out the other side of 6th St which was like some college freshmen's wet dream. What a fucking sideshow. I can only imagine this area is pure bedlam during SXSW. The bars there were super corny, so I tracked down a good brewpub, The Ginger Man. Impressive selection.

Friday, we started the day off right with breakfast at Mi Madre's. Food of the gods. Ate so much that I wasn't hungry again for 8 hours, straight up. Then the lady wanted to do a lil' outlet shopping down in San Marcos, which was a fun lil' side trip. Cassie showed that Victoria Secret outlet who was boss.

Migas breakfast tacos

Sopapillas!

Thumbs up!

Came back to town, got ready for dinner. Tried to get in at Barley Swine, which I knew was gonna be a bust since it was nearly 8, and sure enough, a 2 hour wait. Must be some food (editor’s note: it is). So we went over to Olivia and had a very nice, fancy meal.

Then, in search of another good brewpub, found the Draught House up by the college, which had a great selection, but hardly anywhere to sit besides the rainy patio. Would be an amazing to hang during nice weather.

Texans are understandably just BEWILDERED by rain it seems. It barely rained at all this winter and fall down there. Girls were walking around at night in shorts and t-shirts just like "WUT IS THIS STUFF?!?"

Lots more after the cut!

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012) dir. Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor

Hey, remember that video game Twisted Metal? That was fun.

I was in Austin, TX, last week on vacation and for months prior, I had been super amped to finally get to see some movies at the nerd Valhalla chain of movie houses known as The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema. In addition to showing first run flicks while offering incredible beer and food options to patrons, they do tons of nerdy film programming for classics and obscure flicks alike and have pretty much single-handedly created a massive market for arty screen print movie posters through their Mondo imprint. The Drafthouse is basically everything I like about movies, the theater going experience, artwork and beer all in one place.

So, naturally, I would choose a steaming CG turd pile of a movie like "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" to be the first flick I see there. Here was my thought process:

1. Is Nic Cage in it? Yes.
2. Is it in 3D? Of course.
3. Can I get buzzed while watching it? Why, yes!
4. ...........?????
5. LET'S ROCK!

And I'm glad I did because lord knows this blog needs some fresh Nic Cage content.

So, Ghost Rider is actually one of my favorite Marvel characters. He's right up there with The Punisher for me. His head is on fire, he rides a motorcycle (also on fire), he fights freaky satanic cults and demons, and he dispatches the wicked with extreme prejudice. Subtlety is not his strong suit. Recent runs by writers Garth Ennis and Jason Aaron have continued to update and modernize the character in very natural ways. Ghost Rider is always a blast to read.

I think I watched maybe half of the first Nic Cage Ghost Rider movie on cable once. It was really, really bad. Like "Season of the Witch" bad, almost. No one was exactly clammoring for a sequel to that abortion of a movie, but along came the guys who made the awesome "Crank" movies with a script co-written by the guy who wrote "The Dark Knight" and here we are. How could Cage say no? (Answer: he couldn't)

"Spirit of Vengeance" loosely borrows a plotline from the comics about how the Rider has to protect this kid who is apparently the anti-christ from falling into the hands of a cult (duh). Remarkable how similar that sentence is to something I probably wrote about "Drive Angry 3D." Anyways, Cage rages his way through Europe, incinerating a lot of nameless eurothugs (sidenote: Attn people who write action movies, you need to start picking a new continent to stage your movies on. Europe is done played out).

Visually, everything about this movie is offensive to the eyes, from the constant blue lens filter to the awful CG to Cage's bird hair. My main dude Idris Elba tags along as a drunken French priest, possibly feeding Cage lines during scenes while contemplating if he should fire his agent if he EVER makes him go in for another Marvel Comics movie audition. I hope all these bit parts he keeps playing will help him land a big ol' starring role in something good because he deserves better material than this.

If you voluntarily pay to see this movie sober, you'll probably wish you hadn't. I, on the other hand, had a blast while drinking this and eating a giant pretzel with hot mustard. Choose your own adventure, bros.

One Sentence Reviews of the 2012 Oscar Nominated Best Pictures

Pssssh, lens flare!? What a hack!

It's time for my second annual "witty" one-liner reviews of all the Oscar Nominated Best Pictures and guess what? I've seen even fewer of them this year! 3 out of 10 to be exact. Why? Because they're total garbage! Worse than usual, even. Let's do this!

The Artist - Fun fact: the French hate sound engineers as much as they hate bathing!

The Descendants - Maybe I'll watch this someday when I'm feeling too content with my life and need a good reminder that life is indeed bullshit.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - This is the "American Beauty" of 9/11 movies and that is not a compliment.

The Help - Ah yes, the Oscar-nominated film where a sassy black maid tricked Bryce Dallas Howard into eating pie made of human shit.

Hugo - I actually do want to see this, but only if it's as WICKED AWESOME as THE DE-PAAAHTED.

Midnight In Paris - I've suffered through "Match Point" and "Scoop" so there is no fucking way I'm wasting my time with another latter-day Woody Allen flick, which is only nominated as some kind of misguided attempt at a lifetime achievement award.

Moneyball - I love the book and they fudged the facts enough to make a more compelling narrative, so I'm okay with this winning because, you know, baseball.

The Tree of Life - I cannot help but love this movie because of the effort and the uncompromising strength of Malick's visual style, but I don't act like it's a flawless work of art that everyone should see and worship.

War Horse - I love me some Spielberg, but not one review I read called it "Saving Private Ryan" with a horse, so consider me nonplussed.

Man, those nominees are so bad I struggled to even make coherent jokes. Good night, everybody!

The Grey (2012) dir. Joe Carnahan

"Well...shit."

First of all, this is not a movie about Liam Neeson fighting wolves with broken bottles taped to his hands. Just go ahead and banish that thought from your mind. This is a movie that equally examines both the defiant nature of the human spirit, as well as the hopelessness we feel in the most dire of situations. It's about the handful of things we can draw on for strength when we find ourselves in horrible situations. Needless to say, this movie impressed me.

Neeson has been on a roll the last few years with starring in action movie vehicles like "Taken" and "The Unknown" where he suddenly starts destroying every nameless Eurotrash hood that stands in his way. This one is quite a bit more serious, despite what the previews would have you think. I'm really glad that the makers of this movie recognized that Neeson is very capable of bringing some real depth to any role and he really takes this role and knocks it out of the park.

The first 5 minutes of "The Grey" expertly sets the tone for the rest of the movie. Neeson is a gun for hire, protecting oil rig workers from the wildlife out in the Alaskan wilderness. We gather that something went wrong along the way for him find himself in this position, but Carnahan leaves things just vague enough to keep the story moving forward. Then before we know it, we're thrown into the most harrowing and fucking terrifying plane crash since the "Lost" pilot episode.

I'll spare you the rest of the plot details, but I have to say that I was utterly captivated by this movie. It's a huge bummer and it's way more serious than you'd expect, but an overall fantastic and engrossing ride. My friend Keith summed it up best when he told me, "it was like a Damnation AD record in movie form. Just unrelenting sadness."

The Innkeepers (2011) dir Ti West

You're better than this, Ti! Come on!

You know when you're a kid and you do something really, really stupid and your parents find out and give you the 'ol, "Now, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed." That's pretty much how I feel after watching "The Innkeepers."

With his debut flick, "House of The Devil," Ti West really impressed the shit out of a lot of horror nerds with his super tense and straight forward approach to a story about a college chick who has a run-in with a satanic cult. Anyone who watches that movie, myself included, would conclude that West has a good handle on what's scary, how to pace things well and also how to surprise your audience without coming across as cheap. Well, it's like he literally forgot how to do every single one of these things with "The Innkeepers." I mean, this movie is so unredeeming and shitty that it makes me question how "House of The Devil" turned out like it did. This is a huge step backwards for him.

First of all, making a compelling movie about ghosts and hauntings is pretty difficult. There aren't very many good ones out there and certainly not any recent ones. And there was nothing compelling about the source material here: an awkward asthmatic 20-something girl and an utter bridge troll of a ginger dude both working at an old ass hotel, half-assedly trying to capture its ghosts on film before the place closes. Who gives a shit?

I mean, god dammit, there's even a scene in the beginning where the ginger asshole tricks the girl into watching one of those pop-up scary videos that you used to trick your roommates into watching in like 2002 because it was "hilarious." If West was trying to call out filmmakers for using cheap pop-up scares, well, he fucking failed hard because he pretty much does the same thing for the movie's big moments. Also, he egregiously overuses dutch angles throughout movie to try and convey that "things are getting weird, dude! Whoa!" When shit finally starts happening, it's just so unremarkable because of the lack of investment into the characters and it's not in the least bit scary or creepy. Bummer.

Despite multiple warnings from trusted horror buds, I still had semi-high hopes for this flick. Even paid to watch it OnDemand like a chump. I hope West can bounce back, but it's gonna have to really be something special to wash out the taste of this one.

Sigh.

"Shame" (2011) dir Steve McQueen

Dude, seriously, you need to wash those sheets. Gross.

I had been wanting to see "Shame" for a while now because the trailer was very intriguing, Michael Fassbender is a cool dude actor and the thrill of seeing a NC-17 flick in theaters was definitely a factor. It takes a lot of hype and balls, I guess, to market and distribute an NC-17 film these days. It hardly ever happens anymore because of how the rating effects box office returns. But, I get the feeling the makers of "Shame" weren't really concerned about making big bucks off this super weird and dark flick about a really angry sex addict living out his sad life in New York.

Normally, I'd want nothing to do with a movie like this. Super arty director, white people doing shitty things to other white people, lots of woe is me bullshit, etc. There are definitely a few scenes in "Shame" that choke on their own artiness, but overall I thought it kept things moving pretty well and I appreciate how little it spelled things out for the audience. There's a fine line between obtuse just to be arty and weird and making a subtle, challenging and attention-holding movie. This one mostly veers on that latter, good side of that line. Nothing much is revealed as to why Fassbender is such an angry sex addict and very little is said up front as to why things are strained and weird between him and his sister, played by British cutie Carey Mulligan. You just kinda have to go with it and watch Fassbender go through a variety of daily gross sex stuff.

The downside to there not being a whole lot of answers in this movie is that it gives you few reasons to care much about the characters. I didn't quite feel like I was being punished for being a viewer like I tend to feel during a shitty Von Trier flick or something, but it certainly wasn't pleasant. The title certainly fits the movie. I'd say Fassbender deserves a nomination for best actor, but he was also in like 50 other movies this year so I guess it's a toss-up for which one he ends up getting props for.