One Sentence Reviews of the 2012 Oscar Nominated Best Pictures

Pssssh, lens flare!? What a hack!

It's time for my second annual "witty" one-liner reviews of all the Oscar Nominated Best Pictures and guess what? I've seen even fewer of them this year! 3 out of 10 to be exact. Why? Because they're total garbage! Worse than usual, even. Let's do this!

The Artist - Fun fact: the French hate sound engineers as much as they hate bathing!

The Descendants - Maybe I'll watch this someday when I'm feeling too content with my life and need a good reminder that life is indeed bullshit.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - This is the "American Beauty" of 9/11 movies and that is not a compliment.

The Help - Ah yes, the Oscar-nominated film where a sassy black maid tricked Bryce Dallas Howard into eating pie made of human shit.

Hugo - I actually do want to see this, but only if it's as WICKED AWESOME as THE DE-PAAAHTED.

Midnight In Paris - I've suffered through "Match Point" and "Scoop" so there is no fucking way I'm wasting my time with another latter-day Woody Allen flick, which is only nominated as some kind of misguided attempt at a lifetime achievement award.

Moneyball - I love the book and they fudged the facts enough to make a more compelling narrative, so I'm okay with this winning because, you know, baseball.

The Tree of Life - I cannot help but love this movie because of the effort and the uncompromising strength of Malick's visual style, but I don't act like it's a flawless work of art that everyone should see and worship.

War Horse - I love me some Spielberg, but not one review I read called it "Saving Private Ryan" with a horse, so consider me nonplussed.

Man, those nominees are so bad I struggled to even make coherent jokes. Good night, everybody!