Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012) dir. Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor

Hey, remember that video game Twisted Metal? That was fun.

I was in Austin, TX, last week on vacation and for months prior, I had been super amped to finally get to see some movies at the nerd Valhalla chain of movie houses known as The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema. In addition to showing first run flicks while offering incredible beer and food options to patrons, they do tons of nerdy film programming for classics and obscure flicks alike and have pretty much single-handedly created a massive market for arty screen print movie posters through their Mondo imprint. The Drafthouse is basically everything I like about movies, the theater going experience, artwork and beer all in one place.

So, naturally, I would choose a steaming CG turd pile of a movie like "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" to be the first flick I see there. Here was my thought process:

1. Is Nic Cage in it? Yes.
2. Is it in 3D? Of course.
3. Can I get buzzed while watching it? Why, yes!
4. ...........?????
5. LET'S ROCK!

And I'm glad I did because lord knows this blog needs some fresh Nic Cage content.

So, Ghost Rider is actually one of my favorite Marvel characters. He's right up there with The Punisher for me. His head is on fire, he rides a motorcycle (also on fire), he fights freaky satanic cults and demons, and he dispatches the wicked with extreme prejudice. Subtlety is not his strong suit. Recent runs by writers Garth Ennis and Jason Aaron have continued to update and modernize the character in very natural ways. Ghost Rider is always a blast to read.

I think I watched maybe half of the first Nic Cage Ghost Rider movie on cable once. It was really, really bad. Like "Season of the Witch" bad, almost. No one was exactly clammoring for a sequel to that abortion of a movie, but along came the guys who made the awesome "Crank" movies with a script co-written by the guy who wrote "The Dark Knight" and here we are. How could Cage say no? (Answer: he couldn't)

"Spirit of Vengeance" loosely borrows a plotline from the comics about how the Rider has to protect this kid who is apparently the anti-christ from falling into the hands of a cult (duh). Remarkable how similar that sentence is to something I probably wrote about "Drive Angry 3D." Anyways, Cage rages his way through Europe, incinerating a lot of nameless eurothugs (sidenote: Attn people who write action movies, you need to start picking a new continent to stage your movies on. Europe is done played out).

Visually, everything about this movie is offensive to the eyes, from the constant blue lens filter to the awful CG to Cage's bird hair. My main dude Idris Elba tags along as a drunken French priest, possibly feeding Cage lines during scenes while contemplating if he should fire his agent if he EVER makes him go in for another Marvel Comics movie audition. I hope all these bit parts he keeps playing will help him land a big ol' starring role in something good because he deserves better material than this.

If you voluntarily pay to see this movie sober, you'll probably wish you hadn't. I, on the other hand, had a blast while drinking this and eating a giant pretzel with hot mustard. Choose your own adventure, bros.