One Sentence Reviews of the 2011 Oscar Nominated Best Pictures

Jennifer Lawrence and John Hawkes aka Dusty fuggin' Powers in "Winter's Bone." More like Winter's Boner, amirite? Okay, got that shitty joke out of the way. Good.

This is going to be difficult because I tend to be pretty verbose about movies, but I'm gonna give this a go. There will most definitely be some awful run-on sentences ahead.

As a disclaimer, I have terribly specific and stupid opinions on movies. For the most part I tend to prefer a crowd-pleaser over an art film. My favorite genres are horror, sci-fi and action flicks. On any given day I would rather go see the new future-budget-bin Nic Cage flick than the new pretentious and "edgy" Coen Brothers flick. That's where I'm at. I like a lot of shitty, shitty movies.

But, for some reason, I LOVE watching the Oscars every year even though I tend to dislike most of the obvious "Oscar bait" flicks that Miramax or the Weinstein Bros tend to shit out and obnoxiously promote just in time for Oscar season. It's a silly and superficial game, but I love movies and I love to hear people talk about them so here I am.  And for the record, upping the Best Picture nominees from 5 to 10 is an absolute joke and I hope they ditch that crap soon.

Yet another disclaimer: Surprise, surprise....I haven't seen all the nominated Best Pictures probably because I was too busy watching "Season of the Witch" and "Tron Legacy"......twice. It was sick! But I'm going to make pithy comments about them anyways, so HA. Annnnyways:

SANFORD'S ONE SENTENCE REVIEWS OF THE 2011 OSCAR NOMINATED BEST PICTURES

"Black Swan": I get it "Pi" guy, women are crazy, but I was fucking bored until Portman started fingerblasting herself and then I was bored again.

"The Fighter": Three words: Christian fucking Bale.

"Inception": All "THERE IS NO SPOON" jokes aside, I think Christopher Nolan is the best director of the last decade and this flick was beautifully shot and edited and was just an all-around fun and sort of brainy for a summer blockbuster.

"The Kids Are All Right": I did not see this but man, how shitty and annoying was Annette Bening's character in "American Beauty?" (God that movie sucks).

"The King's Speech": A great example of the aforementioned "Oscar Bait" type movies and yes of course, Colin Firth and Geoffery Rush have great and stirring performances in this, but they always do in nearly every film they're in and everything else about this movie is just a unremarkable bio-pic snoozer.

"127 Hours": James Franco is wonderful in this movie and strikes a great balance between a realistic and slightly crazy inner monologue, but all the hype about the dreaded arm chop scene didn't quite deliver like I expected, but then again I watch garbage like "Hostel Part II" without blinking an eye so what do I know?

"The Social Network": This is the one movie of the nominees that I will probably never see because I just don't fucking care about a smarmy, quick-talking, jargon-filled, shitty-white-people-doing-shitty-things-to-other-white-people (aka SWPDSTTOWP, my least favorite kind of movie) fest about fucking Facebook.

"Toy Story 3": I haven't seen this or the second Toy Story movie, but the first one was great and I like just about every film Pixar has made so I'm sure I'll see this eventually and probably cry because that's what Pixar does: make Eric Sanford cry like a lil' bitch.

"True Grit": In its own right, this movie is kind of funny and entertaining, yes, but it's insulting that it is nominated for 10 Oscars because it's one of the laziest scripts the Coen Brothers have ever crapped out and fucking Lebowski already won his "We Owed You One (trademark)" Oscar last year, so what's the big god damn deal here about a mediocre remake of silly John Wayne western?

"Winter's Bone": This is a harrowing, suspenseful and noir-influenced (I guess?) story of some scary-ass, poverty-stricken, backwoods Missouri meth selling families and a young girl just trying to get some god damn answers about her missing father and it had me utterly captivated from beginning to end.

AWRIGHT, there ya have it. "Winter's Bone" is by far my favorite of the nominated films and I hope it wins everything and pulls a "Hurt Locker" on everyone, except for Best Supporting Actor because I want my dawg Bale to win that shit.