Five years

People love to set benchmarks at 5 and 10 year increments. They seem more important. 5 years feels like a weighty chunk of time. A lot happens in 5 years.

5 years ago yesterday on November 29, 2011, sometime around 6 PM, I received a phone call from my dad that changed my life forever. A lot has happened since then.

Cassie and I got engaged. I got my career going in the right direction finally. Got married on a hot August day in West Seattle and celebrated into the night with all our friends and family. Had a reception in St. Paul, Minnesota, for all of Cassie's extended family. Bought a house in Seattle. Adopted another dog. Fostered a dog. Decided to have a kid and now we stand on the precipice of parenthood, just a short 2 months away.

And all of it without my mom. My biggest source of emotional support and encouragement for 28 years.

Looking back on those accomplishments is interesting, bittersweet, and kinda astounding. I can't tell you a damn thing about the last month of 2011 or any of 2012. Have no strong memories of anything I did. It's all in a haze of grief. 2013 is when I started to come out of it a bit and things have gotten better with each advancing year, I think. I still get really sad sometimes. Often I still feel like I have this hole in me that will never be full again.

Today, November 30, is my mom's 68th birthday. 68 seems so young these days. I can imagine her as still being vibrant, full of life, and clamoring to give guidance and support to Cassie and me (especially Cassie) during the pregnancy. I can picture her holding our daughter, her granddaughter, and weeping with pride and joy.

I think of her and all she taught me constantly through every major step of preparing to be a parent. Her wisdom, my memories of her, and the love she gave me are all I have left of her and I intend to pass all it onto my daughter any way I can, every day I draw breath.

Happy Birthday, Mom.